a bunch of different people

I love you, you know.

A year later, I want what you offered. Is it too late?

I don’t know, I just don’t know.

The more I talk to you the less I want to.

Stop using that tone. Just stop.

I lie to you with increasing frequency.

You’re a sweetie.

I’m glad I got the guts to talk to you, you’re awesome.

I used to have the biggest crush on you.

I miss you.

I miss our conversations.

Please leave me alone.

Thank you.

Quelquefois

I want things to be different.
If I could make one wish
I’d return to that dream
fantasy of me and you.
The one reality bent around
until you bent it back.

I hate it when you’ve turned your back.
When it’s been so long, and it shouldn’t feel different
anymore. When it’s “see you around,”
and all I can do is wish.
When it’s so long since I’ve touched you.
I just get lost in a dream.

I wonder do you miss that dream?
Do you want to have it back?
And how are you,
anyway? You’re different.
I wonder do you wish
The way I do? Well, I’ve wished enough to go around.

What goes around comes around
and life is a crazy dream.
Blow out your birthday candles, make a wish.
Could all the pink yellow blue candles get us back
to where we were? It’s different now
maybe. Not sure about you.

When I see you
wherever, just around
you don’t seem that different.
Just less busy, which lets me dream
of your saying you want me back.
Not a guess, just a wish.

An eyelash has fallen, make a wish.
I’ve used so many on you
but I wouldn’t take any back.
Maybe they’ll come back around,
anyway. I can still dream
of things being different.

I only wish when you’re not around.
Like the other night, you were in my dream.
I’d take you back, even if it’s different.

. . . there are no words.

My life right now is indescribable.  Parts of it are wonderful, parts of it are falling apart.

I choreographed and danced a solo for the school dance concert.  I was really proud of how it turned out and so many people told me they loved it.

A friend asked me to be in a music video that she’ll be making for a class.

I’m going to Québec City on Friday, which I love.

I’ve heard from 5 out of the 12 schools I applied to, and got into all 5.

There were multiple pictures of me in the art show, which was kinda cool.

I did less than a wonderful job in all of my classes this past mod.

My room is still a mess, and my memory continues to be somewhat terrible.

And my romantic life is increasingly complicated and confusing.

. . .

I desperately want to go yarn-shopping.  I need to knit.

. . .

What would I do if I were told the world was going to end tomorrow?  I’m not sure.  What would anyone do?

handwritten . . .

. . . and in French.  And no, I’m not talking about a literal eggplant.

letter

Dear me,
You can do this, okay? You’re a big girl, and you’ve been handling it so far. You’re not going to let this distract you from dance concert, or academics, right? You can get through this if you try.
You’re not quite seventeen and half, you have so much life ahead of you (I hope), he’s just one person.
I promise you you won’t die over this.
Love, me

worried . . .

My journal, the paper one, went missing sometime today at school.  That’s a bunch of very personal thoughts and feelings roaming the campus with yes my name attached (not to mention my home address, email address, and phone number).  That’s a worrisome thought.

platonic for her, not for him

I love you, ya know?
not just saying it to you
I mean it - always

could you come back please?
can’t force you - that wouldn’t fit
so I’ll try waiting

a bit from my paper journal, a collection of thoughts

“Catholicism – walking in a snowy parking lot – cold & slushy, more flakes coming down – grey all around – stained glass – confusion, questions – crosses – smoke and candles – inconsistencies – disagreement – unexplained – unexplainable? – books”

I was raised Catholic.  But I didn’t really believe.  So when Confirmation approached, I told my mom I wasn’t doing it.  (A fight ensued.)

I sometimes wish I believed in someone to pray to.

But I don’t.  And I can’t just wake up and decide to.

I can’t just throw faith out into a mysterious something that may or may not have someone in it.

This needs more thought.