things that are lovely

Los Campesinos! Listen to them now. Go. Do it.
Camp starts next week and for week 1 I’m co-counselling with a very old friend.
I make pretty cakes at my other job.
Arts & Crafts sampler album which I got for FREE.
…Gaia Online. Oops. Addicted.
DRIVER’S LICENSE DRIVER’S LICENSE DRIVER’S LICENSE.
HEHEHE I CAN DRIVE.
Also, Mom’s away next week so I get a car for the whole week.
Orange-flavoured Celsius is actually delicious.
Walgreens had it today.

And two unlovely things:
My room is a mess.
Writer’s block up the wazoo. Prompts, anyone?

Robin BR Wood

This is Robin BR Wood.  She was fucking amazing, and I really wish I’d made sure she knew how much she’s affected my life.

Robin was there from my freshman year, when I was a little Hot Topic wanna-be goth kid, until now.  In the theatre department I grew up into a girl who’s comfortable with who I am, a girl with set paint on her rain boots who proudly wears overalls in public.  I’m so much more confident due to Robin’s influence.  I know (some) ASL thanks to her, and her encouragement.  I’ve seen firsthand how the amazing the Children’s Garden that she helped create is.

And fuck, I miss her.

sadness.

I wish this wasn’t the first post in ages, there are so many good things that’ve happened since I last wrote.

The list I was starting in my head after my good friend K. told me to write here again had:
- the first black US President was elected and inaugurated
- I came to Canada for university
- I fell in love with the guy I met the first night of frosh week

But you know what happened?

An absolutely incredible woman died. She was my advisor for a good part of my high school years, and head of the theatre department, where I spent an absurd amount of time. She’s the one who got me to get my shit together on my senior project, she’s the one who helped me grow up. I already missed her, up here over 400 miles away. I’d promised her a longer email a couple of weeks ago, which I never wrote. It was going to be full of things I was so proud to tell her about. I was so excited that I’d get home in time to see the musical, too.

Life sucks, you know?

I think it might be harder for me, too, because I’m alone with this. None of my friends here knew her. There’s one other person in the city (that I know of) who went to my school, and I’m not sure he ever spent time in the theatre department. Not like I did, certainly.

I was talking to a friend last night, and she said: “people can be understanding, but when there’s a death in the family (which the theatre crowd certainly is), you just want to be with your family.” That’s exactly it. I want to hug someone who knows how I feel. I called K. last night, which helps, but I want to be with everyone. I want to choke my way through “Rose” (which we sang before every show) in a group, not alone.

But most of all I want Robin to give me a hug, and that’s never going to happen again.

. . . there are no words.

My life right now is indescribable.  Parts of it are wonderful, parts of it are falling apart.

I choreographed and danced a solo for the school dance concert.  I was really proud of how it turned out and so many people told me they loved it.

A friend asked me to be in a music video that she’ll be making for a class.

I’m going to Québec City on Friday, which I love.

I’ve heard from 5 out of the 12 schools I applied to, and got into all 5.

There were multiple pictures of me in the art show, which was kinda cool.

I did less than a wonderful job in all of my classes this past mod.

My room is still a mess, and my memory continues to be somewhat terrible.

And my romantic life is increasingly complicated and confusing.

. . .

I desperately want to go yarn-shopping.  I need to knit.

. . .

What would I do if I were told the world was going to end tomorrow?  I’m not sure.  What would anyone do?

letter

Dear me,
You can do this, okay? You’re a big girl, and you’ve been handling it so far. You’re not going to let this distract you from dance concert, or academics, right? You can get through this if you try.
You’re not quite seventeen and half, you have so much life ahead of you (I hope), he’s just one person.
I promise you you won’t die over this.
Love, me