Workity work.

I love my campers.
Seriously, I want to keep them.
Also, the other counsellors are quite excellent.
OMG TIRED DOOM.

cleaning

I am drowning in notebooks, blank pages to fill; I’m thirsting for ideas, I’m parched.

I’ve been cleaning my room some (a noteworthy occasion) and in going through a box from this year found some fragments in a notebook. Since I haven’t written anything of note lately, here are some:

yes, I’ll write about you
if you let me hold your watch
to feel the cool textured metal
against my skin
and yes, I’ll let you see
if you tell me what you’re thinking
when you sit with that look on your face
so yes
I’ll write about you
if you let me borrow your pen
and yes, I’ll read it to you
if you let me peek in your head
and yes, I’ll write about you
if you let me see you
—
That one’s about a friend who’s always seemed kinda enigmatic. He’s a little quiet sometimes. Fun fact: he was sitting next to me in tutorial when I wrote that. Don’t think he noticed.
—
hey
would you let me
remember why
I felt that way?
it’d be hard
just to remember
so don’t worry that I’ll start feeling
again
—
No clue who that one’s about actually, besides presumably an ex, or at least ex-crush.
—
remember what the stars were like that night as seen through the steam rising up from the roofless shower post-beach as the water lent warmth to a chilled body… remember the feel of a hot shower no roof in the cold rain so the drops mixed and the towel was damp before it dried a single inch of skin…
—
That one is actually just about showering in the outdoor shower at my grandparents’ house on Cape Cod. No symbolism. Just showers.

Oh, also, I passed my road test! Hooray.

weekend

A weekend full of adventures.

On Friday I visited my high school and had all kinds of fun, then I stayed for this thing called the Illuminarium, which is “a festival of lights” but is basically just a wonderful celebration of the crazy artsyness that is the school. I ran this interactive thing that someone else created for the first one, which was quite popular. I also got to see a bunch of other alumni who were home, which was nice, and all my friends who still go there. I got covered in glow-in-the-dark paint and ran around with glowsticks. Then instead of watching the movie I went for an epic ramble with two guys who were in my writing workshop last year, which was really fun. We walked to this ice cream place, only to get there five minutes after they closed. Quite the walk, but totally worth it even without any ice cream. Of course, I was wearing totally the wrong shoes and my feet got all blister-y, but still. Worth it.

Yesterday I spent five hours representing the camp I work at at our town’s “Discovery Day” street fair thing, painting kid’s faces. My friend who also works there was there, and we had a blast. She even painted a flower on my face. I murdered my knees, though. I was either standing, kneeling in a parking lot, or bent over all funny for the whole five hours, pretty much, and now I’m sore. But the kids loved all the facepaint (and the candy we had) and some of the parents even seemed interested in the brochures. Then in the evening I went to see Star Trek with my family. Sooo good! And it has Simon Pegg, who I love. With a fierce accent.

Today there was much driving around and grocery shopping with my mother, and I got a delicious cappuccino brownie out of it. So yummy. Oh so very yummy.

So, good weekend.

unplug

Today, I actually wrote a whole bunch. The trick was to unplug, apparently. I closed my laptop, sat at my typewriter, listened to some Eluvium, and WROTE. So good. Will edit the stuff and get at least some of it up here at some point.

I don’t know how intentional it is on their part, but I’m still hanging.

Ow.

I need to write something today…

…but what?

It’s going to be small random musings today.

How much shit can happen in one week? First Robin, now this. All of this long-distance shit. I hope this week will be less weird.

Facebook is a lifeline right now, it’s keeping me connected to so many people at home. Which is something I really need right now.

I keep meaning to do the readings, and not doing them. This is problematic.

I miss last year. I miss Rhymation, and Scattergories. I miss the theatre department.

I think the best way to start the morning is in bed, with homemade biscotti and a mug of King Cole tea. Delicious, peaceful, awesome.

Also, I miss the quadrilateral, from last spring. K., you know what I mean.

revision dilemma

There is a boy.  Last year, when I started this blog, I was romantically interested in him.  The tag for him to a certain extent reflects this.  Now we are friends, only friends.  I know I decided to not to revise previous posts to reflect the current truth, but what about tags?  It seems odd to tag him in a way that implies (at least to me) romantic interest, but I don’t want to just make up a new tag without changing all the old ones. So do I change the old ones?  Complicating the issue slightly is the fact that he and K. have the same first initial.

Anyway, I originally got onto this topic because I liked something he’d said about Robin:
“Robin had the reputation akin to a Goddess. She is always there; watching, waiting.”
Which I loved, and wanted to quote here.

I do almost feel like she’s still watching me, asking me why I’ve read so little of the Darwin I’m supposed to be reading.

I’ve been drowning my sorrows in Monty Python, junk food, and tea, mainly, because I’m sure she’d worry if I drowned them in anything stronger. (I did have a slightly spiked hot chocolate last night.)

I’ve been wearing this silly little bracelet, too. Just brightly coloured plastic beads – she picked it up one day when we were organizing the costume shop and said something like “this looks like you.”
My friend E. wears a beautiful, simple silver metal bracelet in memory of her friend Haley, and as lovely as something like that would be, the bright plastic found in the theatre somehow seems so much more appropriate for Robin.

here is modern grief

We leave our phones on all night. We pour out emotions on a Facebook group. We find comfort in mp3s, videos, digital photos. We set our Facebook photos, our statuses, our desktop backgrounds, in memory. We talk out our grief via IM, text message, email.

We leave our phones on all night in case someone needs to talk.

playing games

one, two, three, Miss Mary Mack
we were all just as good as each other
on the playground
so when now you speak snakesspiderswasps i think
you’re all just as bad as each other
(and maybe i am too?)
from my point of view the yousnakegirls all look the same
even though you’re all so different (and amazing)
i can love you when you’re not hissstingbiting
i can love you when you’re not enemies
i can love you when you can love
(but i can’t hate you even when you hate)
three, two, one
we’re still just as good as each other
(right?)

—–

This may need/get some revision at some point.

truth/revision/decision

I’ve written things that were true at the time that are no longer true.
I won’t go back and change them, because when I wrote them they were true.
I’ve written things that I thought were true at the time, that turned out not to be true.
I’ve written to figure out the truth.
I’ve written to conceal the truth.
No revisions on the basis of truth. I can revise in a writer-ly craft way, and do – but if I changed things because they were no longer true, I wouldn’t have any time for new writing.
And some things just can’t be revised.
“Technicalities”? Rewriting it to reflect the present would likely mean scrapping it entirely. (Due to the fact that we’re dating and suchforth.) But the whole concept of revising to reflect the now is incredibly flawed, because that was somewhat of a… snapshot, I suppose… of my mental state at that point in time, and how I feel now doesn’t actually change how I felt then.

And this is all true.

a bunch of different people

I love you, you know.

A year later, I want what you offered. Is it too late?

I don’t know, I just don’t know.

The more I talk to you the less I want to.

Stop using that tone. Just stop.

I lie to you with increasing frequency.

You’re a sweetie.

I’m glad I got the guts to talk to you, you’re awesome.

I used to have the biggest crush on you.

I miss you.

I miss our conversations.

Please leave me alone.

Thank you.