can’t

Today began normally.
I woke up, showered, got breakfast.
Went to lecture.
The lecture was sad but interesting, it was on the Holocaust.
Well, the first half was.
I had to leave partway through.
Because the lecturer was playing this beautiful Gorecki piece that Robin used in a play. And I tried to hold it together, but I just… can’t. I started crying, and I had to leave.

What else will set me off? I’m a little bomb full of grief, waiting to explode again.

Robin BR Wood

This is Robin BR Wood.  She was fucking amazing, and I really wish I’d made sure she knew how much she’s affected my life.

Robin was there from my freshman year, when I was a little Hot Topic wanna-be goth kid, until now.  In the theatre department I grew up into a girl who’s comfortable with who I am, a girl with set paint on her rain boots who proudly wears overalls in public.  I’m so much more confident due to Robin’s influence.  I know (some) ASL thanks to her, and her encouragement.  I’ve seen firsthand how the amazing the Children’s Garden that she helped create is.

And fuck, I miss her.

here is modern grief

We leave our phones on all night. We pour out emotions on a Facebook group. We find comfort in mp3s, videos, digital photos. We set our Facebook photos, our statuses, our desktop backgrounds, in memory. We talk out our grief via IM, text message, email.

We leave our phones on all night in case someone needs to talk.

three more things

1. I found out when I went to quickly check my email before watching Ferris Bueller with some friends. The movie never happened. But part of me feels like if I hadn’t checked my email, she’d still be alive. Not rational at all, but… how I feel.

2. I go on Wikipedia binges sometimes, and I was partway through the list of serial killers. I’ve given up. Death just doesn’t seem interesting anymore.

3. I still have her cell phone number in my phone. Someday I’ll be ready to delete it, not today.

sadness.

I wish this wasn’t the first post in ages, there are so many good things that’ve happened since I last wrote.

The list I was starting in my head after my good friend K. told me to write here again had:
- the first black US President was elected and inaugurated
- I came to Canada for university
- I fell in love with the guy I met the first night of frosh week

But you know what happened?

An absolutely incredible woman died. She was my advisor for a good part of my high school years, and head of the theatre department, where I spent an absurd amount of time. She’s the one who got me to get my shit together on my senior project, she’s the one who helped me grow up. I already missed her, up here over 400 miles away. I’d promised her a longer email a couple of weeks ago, which I never wrote. It was going to be full of things I was so proud to tell her about. I was so excited that I’d get home in time to see the musical, too.

Life sucks, you know?

I think it might be harder for me, too, because I’m alone with this. None of my friends here knew her. There’s one other person in the city (that I know of) who went to my school, and I’m not sure he ever spent time in the theatre department. Not like I did, certainly.

I was talking to a friend last night, and she said: “people can be understanding, but when there’s a death in the family (which the theatre crowd certainly is), you just want to be with your family.” That’s exactly it. I want to hug someone who knows how I feel. I called K. last night, which helps, but I want to be with everyone. I want to choke my way through “Rose” (which we sang before every show) in a group, not alone.

But most of all I want Robin to give me a hug, and that’s never going to happen again.

thinking morbid thoughts

Stumbled onto the blog of an old friend whose boyfriend died in a car crash on Thanksgiving, so I’m thinking about death and how it affects people.

Words/phrases that disappeared from Sara’s tongue:

-car crash
-collisions
-Nick
-love
-death, dead, die, dying, dead
-Bowdoin (his college)

And she’s not the only friend to be touched by death.

I don’t like death.

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I don’t want to die

Not because I’m scared of death per say.  Because the thought of being a corpse grosses me out.  Don’t like the thought of being cremated, either.

My ideal would be to slowly become more insubstantial and transparent day by day until I disappear.

Or to become sea foam like the Little Mermaid.

I don’t want to be a yucky dead thing or a pile of ashes or even frozen.

So how do I disappear?